OH, for F*#&'$ Sake!!

To sum up today by saying I am completely confused by my Dr. appointment and don't know how I feel about anything related to my recovery... would be an understatement. I will start by saying (again) that there are many who think Thyroid Cancer is "the good cancer". Why? Easy treatment (mostly), fast recovery and overall good 5 year survival rate. Fair.

At first, that outraged me. Then, I almost started buying in. I think partially because I was slipping into denial... after the fact? Yes.

There is a lot of maintenance and awareness that has to continue after recovery and thru treatment. I think I knew that in the back of my head (beware of symptoms, don't let lumps go, watch everything... blah, blah, blah.) But, I was not ready for my appointment today. I have moved on with my life and put big, bad cancer behind me. I am fine. Just fine. (This is what I tell myself and still believe is probably true.)

You know, I have not been upset about the possibility of foreclosing on my house, moving far away from my family, etc... I had a minor freak out and lots of tears over thinking about having a new Dr. Todays appointment was already NOT going to go well because of my anxiety about that. Then, I asked for a referral to someone in Tampa and my Dr. had to clarify...

Dr.: You're not even a year out from radiation, OR your diagnosis. You're moving?

Me: ...Am I missing something?

Dr.: It's possible to have residual cancer cells in your body. We usually do a scan or perform Thyrogen/blood testing a year out from surgery and sometimes and second radiation treatment is normal.

Me: --blank stares--

Dr.: Before you leave or I update your prescription, we need to see the results of your thyroid levels and do a Thyrogen test.

Me: ???!!! I thought I was OK!! Apparently I missed this day in school. I need to leave by the 14th!

Dr.: If you have residual cells, you'll need to do another course of radiation.

Me: ---wine. wine. wine. get me a glass of wine....---

Then I shuffled my way over to the lab where they took twice as many viles of blood.

Then I shuffled my way over to the office manager who scheduled my Thyrogen appointments for next week.

Next week I go for injections on Monday & Tuesday... blood tests on Friday. The week after I should hear if I'm clear (for this year - I get that now) and I get to move on with my happy little life and fly away to FL. Each year it will hopefully seem more routine and less surreal. After this year, it shouldn't mean as much as this is the first 12 months and reoccurance is less than 30% of the Papillary Thyroid Cancer population.

Ugh.

So here I am, revisiting the emotional side of cancer. The really hard part. No matter how easy the surgery, recovery or treatment - the thought of cancer, the realization of how fragile and short life is, the control it has over your time, energy, worrying and life in general... the emotional, mental weight of having the diagnosis - is the hardest thing to deal with.

I am resolving to just say "F it!". I am going to get my injections... maybe get a little dizzy, puke a little... push through the day and enjoy all of the time I have in CLE until I leave. I'm not worried about the results of the test - I won't even think about them.

Why?

They are going to come back clear.

Doc is going to write my script.

I'm going to fill it and pack it in my little suitcase and fly my ass off into the sunset.

Fuck you, cancer!! I'm so over you.